Pin Reaper: Oldbeak
What I Did: After buying a muffin pan from Bed Bath and Beyond, I was fully prepared to enjoy nature’s little miracle: the egg, perfectly hard boiled! I pre-set my oven to 325 degrees. I placed the eggs in each muffin compartment as carefully as a robin lays her eggs in a nest. When the oven reached the proper temperature, I positioned the eggs in their little nests dead center in the oven and set the timer for 27 minutes, midway between the recommended 25-30 minutes. The time flew by and before I knew it the oven timer was “a-beepin.” Only one egg was slightly cracked so naturally I thought this was a very good sign. As I removed the eggs to the counter for a brief cooling period, I eagerly anticipated biting into the perfect egg! But- no such luck! The moment I cracked opened egg #1, I sensed trouble. The shell was impossible to remove since the egg was stuck so tightly to the shell that the it crumbled into pieces in my hand. OK. “Try again,” I said to myself. The 2nd egg split open quite easily. In fact, my finger went right through it as disgusting raw egg shot forth all over the countertop and all over me! Damn! Is the “best way” to make hard boiled eggs? The 3rd egg was equally undercooked with the yolk runny and disgusting— anything but perfect! OK, take a Zanax, I said to myself. I swallowed one— a Zanax, that is and put the eggs back in the oven for another 4 minutes. While cursing the sister who sent me this “perfect cooking method,” I cleaned up pieces of shell, yolk and albumin from the sink, counter top, floor and my once spotless blouse. The timer beeped again. One look told me that the eggs had now… EXPLODED with the tops popping off like corks on a champagne bottle. OK, calm down, I scream! Maybe the darn eggs actually taste good… although I was frankly in no mood for eggs now. So, I cracked open #4… way too dry; #5…still grossly runny; #6…… ugly brown yolk: #7…shell stuck to egg. This is a cruel hoax. I picked up the muffin pan with the remaining eggs, open the door, walked to the edge of our property and heaved the eggs into the woods as far as I could manage to heave. Next I’ll give away the muffin pan since I don’t make muffins and I sure as heck will never again hard boil eggs in a muffin pan.
Next Time I Will: This project (that’s the perfect word for this ordeal) cannot be saved, in my humble opinion… unless you’re Martha Stewart or some equally obsessive- compulsive type. Next time I’ll boil the eggs in a pan of water.